The Elements of Persuasion

How Stories Build Relationships

"It is my simple mission to help everyone in our company understand the power of a relationship.   In almost every account we have ever lost, it is due to the fact that we lost touch with the relationship." These words were spoken by a coaching client of mine, Barbara. She has recently been promoted to regional VP at a Fortune 100 company and her words should resonate with every person who wants to be successful.

Barbara is a business warrior who has learned that taking a little extra time with her clients over dinner insures her of a more successful relationship. “When I am at the dinner table I make it a point not to focus only on business. I find out what’s important to my clients. What has meaning for them? What are their life goals? And what keeps them up at night?”  Barbara builds and nurtures these relationships by being interested in her clients’ stories. “I do this because I know it builds trust.” Barbara is a fierce competitor when up against a tough opponent. She knows how to win and her use of storytelling is both pragmatic and effective. But why does her strategy work?

Resent brain research finds that the human brain is not so much a “thinking brain” but a relationship making brain. Dr. Herald Guther who leads the Dept. of Neurobiology at the Psychiatric Clinic of Gottingen, Germany says, “Until quite recently, it was held to be self-evident that human beings have a big brain to make it possible for them to think. However, the research results of the last years have made it clear that the structure and function of the human brain is especially optimized for building relationships. Our brain is thus much more a social organ than it is a thinking organ.” He goes on to say that a powerful way humans build relationships is by sharing stories.

Here are five tips for using story to build relationships:
* Tell an authentic story. One that exposes a vulnerability or foible.
* Tell a story that you are passionate about.  For example, your child hit her first home run; how you actually saved your client money by helping them overcome a problem.
* Tell a story of overcoming an obstacle. For example, you always had a fear of drowning but you overcame it during your rafting trip down the Colorado; you used to hate public speaking but you discovered you liked it when you learned how to rehearse first.
* Be sure to describe what lesson you learned from the event that helped you change.
* Include how you’re different now than before the event; think of this as “old you” and “new you.”

Stories build relationships by helping prospective clients see you as more than the title of “financial planner” or “tax attorney.” Authentic stories help you become a real breathing human being. Sharing stories establishes a common ground of trust and there is little question that clients turn to those they trust, especially when times are tough.

Brain vs. Brawn

"It is my simple mission: to help everyone in our company understand the power of a relationship.   In almost every account we have ever lost, if we look back it is due to somewhere along the way we lost touch with the relationship."

These words were written by a coaching client of mine, Barbara, She has recently been promoted to regional VP at a fortune 100 company and her words resonate with the truth of experience. Barbara is a warrior who loves to move into the trenches with her people and get up close and personal when helping them solve problems. Barbara builds relationships not because she is  nice, kind, and compassionate. She actually is all of those things. She builds and nurtures relationships because she uses her brain. Barbara is a pragmatic warrior who has been through countless battles with competitors, clients and upper management. Her philosophy of relationship building is based on what works. Her strategy will beat out more aggressive, brutish approaches over the long haul every time. But why does her strategy work?

Resent brain research suggests that the human brain is not so much a “thinking brain” but a relationship making brain. Dr. Gerald Huther, who leads the Dept. of Neurobiology at the Psychiatric Clinic of Gottingen, Germany, says “Until quite recently, it was held to be self-evident that human beings have a big brain to make it possible for them to think. However, the research results of the last years have made it clear that the structure and function of the human brain is especially optimized for building relationships. Our brain is thus much more a social organ than it is a thinking organ.”

Our brain has evolved over millions of years and our closest ancestors, the great apes, have much to teach us. Apes will fight and even kill members of other tribes who try to invade their territory. However, when scientists observe these animals in the wild they report that for the majority of time these animals spend much more time cooperating then fighting. Great apes have learned that building relationships increases the chance of success for all members of the community. By cooperating and specializing on essential tasks like food gathering, rearing the young and watching for dangerous invaders, they all benefit.

Barbara is using her brain when she pays attention to building these interpersonal networks and she reminds her team that relationships take constant attention. She knows that especially in times of stress, building and strengthening relationships will win out over blame and got’cha behavior every time.

Shut Up & Shut Down

I was young and this was a nightmare job.  Bosses stealing from each other.  Contracts written painstakingly to deceive customers.  Everyone had secrets, and no one was talking. One day my boss called me into his office and shut the door.  He asked me whether a key client I had been handling was going to sign a big contract. I told him I didn’t know.  He reached slowly into his desk drawer and pulled his hand out in the shape of a gun.  Pointing his finger at my head he said, “Bam you’re dead.  I used to keep a .38 in there.  I guess this is your lucky day.”  He wasn’t smiling. I quit the next day but that was after a year and a half of abuse.

What was my part in this story? How come I did nothing for so long? Well like the lobster who keeps adjusting to the raising temperature until its too late I couldn’t find my voice and say “that’s not acceptable.”

If I could have been my own coach I would suggest an elemental diagnosis as described in our book The Elements of Persuasion. I would have diagnosed the problem as a lack of earth. Next I would reflect on the physical sensations, emotional feelings and negative voices in my head occurring when confronting my boss. For instance one voice in my head was resigned and kept telling me “This is how bosses behave, so get used to it.” The more resigned I was the more my boss pushed and bullied me. By not speaking up I was telling him the non-verbal story that I was a pushover. I needed to put my roots down and realize that other opportunities would come my way. I could do better.

 My belief is that you don’t have to linger for years in bad situations. Have the confidence to tell a new story to your bully. Speak your mind. But first pay careful attention to your body, emotions and the voices in your head.

Hunker in the Bunker

A number of my clients are just plain scared. They see the results of a decelerating world economy 20 x a day.  The news is bleak .My clients understandably react by wanting to hunker down and do less. Or they become agitated and aggressive and want to blame and fight. These behaviors will probably not produce the results they seek.

A more successful story comes from social scientist Robert Axelrod, who developed a game called “The Prisoner’s Dilemma Game. Players are asked to make a simple choice to cooperate or compete with each other. One might think that relentless competition would win the day but in fact the most successful strategy is called tit-for-tat. Here the first player opens with a cooperative move. If the second player competes the first player punishes with a competitive move of her own. However if the second player switches back to cooperation so does the first player. After having tens of thousands of people play the game Axelrod concludes that cooperation or “tit for tat” wins more money for both players than competitive self-interest.

In these tough times aggressive or hunker in the bunker behavior will not lead to greater success. What works is communicating and connecting with more people. Reach out to competitors and friends alike. Listen to their problems and weave stories of mutual cooperation.

ANTI SLEAZE

What do you do when your opponent consciously decides to stir things up by launching attacks that are just this side of inciting a lynch mob? Or, because on this blog politics is viewed as a test bed for broader communications strategies, your company’s chief competitor launches a viral rumor campaign against your flagship product?

The best response is a calm and trusted voice that can set things right. It could be a CEO who steps forward (the Japanese are particularly adroit at that) but an endorsement from an outsider whose voice is broadly trusted by your target audience is much, much better.

This radio ad, running now in the battle ground state of Virginia, is a micotargeting masterpiece. And the music in the background ain’t half bad neither. Don't miss it.

A very big thanks to Kathy G or at The G-Spot for putting this up. Click over to her website and check it out. She has a lot more of Ralph Stanley’s music posted. My favorite? “Man of Constant Sorrow” which pretty much covers how many folks will be feeling when they open up that envelop and see their 401K statement latter this month.

CRISIS COMEDY

Suffering from the Subprime Meltdown Blues?  Check out Brit comics John Bird's and John Fortunre's take on the whole thing. They explains it all. And somehow it is just clearer (and a lot funnier) with a British Accent

A big tip of the hat to the great website BigPicture for their post.

PITCH PERFECT

On Tuesday February 19^th Bob and I will be giving A FREE WORKSHOP on how to use the five-element story model we describe in The Elements of Persuasion to polish the pitch for a film or television project. We are doing it with our friends at FilmIndependent, the not-for-profit organization that promotes independent film making here in LA with its Spirit Awards. To find out details about the evening, click here.

Pitching a film project is verbal story telling at its most refined, containing elements of writing, acting and direction. Literally millions of dollars hang on having a tight and compelling song and dance. Many filmmakers dread the experience, but it can actually be a lot of fun. And you won’t stop pitching once you get the cash – you’ll have to pitch the film to every member of the cast and crew all through actual filming and post production, then go out on the road and pitch it to the news media as part of the publicity campaign. So it just makes sense to get your pitch perfect.

We are billing the event as a fast, interactive evening for “writers who get nervous, actors who leave out crucial details, and directors who want to get the suits to see it their way.” If you have a film idea – and who doesn’t? – come by and lets work on polishing it together.

You do have to be a member of FilmIndependent. But if you live in LA and you love film you probably are already. If not, you can join right here, If you hurry there may still be l time to vote on this years Spirit Awards. It is money very well spent.

MAKING IT MEANINGFUL

One of the great things about corporate consulting is that you get to work with some very smart people – in our case people smart enough to realize the power of using the five-element story model in corporate strategy. David Berry, Director of Coaching and Leadership Development at TaylorMade-adidas Golf, is that smart and then some.

Every year TaylorMade, which makes the finest performance golf equipment in the world, has its leaders prepare an individual Leadership Plan that reflects back on their past year and express how they plan to carry what they learned forward into the next. It has been a very successful process. But TaylorMade is by nature innovative so David called FirstVoice and asked if we could come up with a program to make those leadership plans more Meaningful, Relevant, Challenging and Actionable.

The minute we saw the criteria we knew this was a match made in heaven. Why? David’s criteria directly relate to the first four elements in our story model!

MEANINGFUL: This directly relates to a story’s Passion. What makes a fact meaningful? First you have to capture our attention. Story does that. Cold facts do very little. Effective leaders use facts wrapped in emotions – our definition of story - to get people fired up and passionately engaged. The best idea in the world, without passionate commitment, will fizzle out and have no meaningful result.

RELEVANT: Relevant to whom? It is all a matter of point of view and POV relates to the story element Hero. Leaders are corporate heroes because they know where their work fits into the larger whole of corporate strategy. They understand the corporate “lay of the land.” They move an idea towards fruition by helping other leaders see how it connects to their areas of responsibility and so that they become equally committed to seeing it happen.

CHALLENGING: This goes with Antagonist. There are always obstacles to be overcome. That is the nature of business. Defining those obstacles in a way that makes them clearly opportunities is one of the key advantages of the story model. That little hit of adrenaline that a well told story releases can make all the difference. What might seem drudgery suddenly becomes exciting and we accept the challenge.

ACTIONABLE: This is Awareness. If we know what to do next, we can do it. As we say in The Elements of Persuasion awareness is a bit like lightning. It is a flash of illumination. It should be quick, clean and just a little startling. Awareness is like a great punch line, it automatically produces an action. A punch line makes us laugh, in leadership stories awareness makes us take action and get right to work. 

TRANSFORMATION, our fifth element, is the natural result of bringing the first four elements into alignment. Managing change is what TaylorMade-adidas’s leadership plans are all about.

Though the idea of storytelling in business is broadly catching on the specific application of the five-element story model is still very cutting edge. It offers a decisive competitive advantage. It is no coincidence that TaylorMade-adidas, at the absolute cutting edge of the highly competitive world of performance golf, would be smart enough to understand that.

DO THE RIGHT THING

We have written before, both in Elements of Persuasion and in past blogs, about the very real business advantages working for the common good can bring – particularly when you are trying to build a brand or unify your creative team. Finding the right not for profit cause and linking up to it can be major career booster.

But we haven’t talked much about how storytelling relates to the unique problems of the not for profit world. Well, we haven’t talked about it much here yet. You can find two guest blogs we did over at Getting to the Point, a blog connected to the Network for Good that deals with those issues. 

Once you are there spend some time checking out the archives and the rest of the site. As with our friend D. K Holland’s site on Branding and Nonprofits this site run by Katya Andresen has great marketing advice that applies to all businesses. There is something about dumping all the “market share” “return on investment” “maximize profit” buzzwords that brings things back to basics and makes even difficult concepts easy to understand and apply, at least the way she does it. And it doesn’t get much more basic than deciding to do the right thing. Check it out. 

IN A MEDIOCRE WORLD

My work as an executive coach grows out of my career as an acting coach, and that comes out of my experience as an actor. One of the great perks of acting professionally is getting to hang out with some very talented people. 20 years ago Lilly Tomlin, a friend and mentor, helped me deal with my enormous stage fright. Seeing the blood drain from my face at the mere mention of stepping on stage, Lilly comforted me with a casual aside “Bobby, don’t worry about your audience too much. It doesn’t take a lot to stand out in a mediocre world.”

Lilly wasn’t being arrogant. At the time she was the toast of Broadway, selling out her one-woman show. I had watched her rehearsing for months and knew arrogance was the furthest thing from her mind. She was teaching me one of a performers most important lessons: Don’t Give Your Audience Too Much Power. 

You are there for them, but they are there to experience new possibilities.  Many are living in a world where they must play it safe, are P.C., and keep their heads down for fear of being criticized. They are hoping that your presentation will lift them into a place of vitality, wonder and joy. There is no hope of you doing that if you are too worried about how they will react. Don’t give up you power before you walk into the light.