You Can't Handle the Truth

I was a little uncomfortable the other evening as I drove the narrow winding roads to a dinner party atop the Hollywood Hills. I quickly attributed my discomfort to navigating the narrow two lane blacktop as Italian sports cars and German SUV’s hurdled down the mountain toward me. Maybe I should have dug deeper and paid more attention to why I was really feeling that way.

 I had been invited to the home of Keith Ferrazzi

If you don’t know already, Keith is the author of the best seller “Never Eat Alone.” http://nevereatalone.typepad.com/ He was throwing a dinner party for about a dozen guests who were extremely accomplished in a variety of fields as diverse as hi-tech, economics, art direction and fashion. The big question bubbling up in my mind was, “Why was I invited?” This feeling was quickly swallowed down with the first sips of chilled, expensive wine.

 As we sat down for dinner, I noticed little square cards at each of our place settings. I turned mine over and read, “If you could go anywhere in history where would you like to go?” I realized that everyone would be asked questions during the evening and that’s when my discomfort came back. I felt like a longshoreman was wrapping his huge hands around my stomach and squeezing with glee. Soon enough Keith was asking people around the table to answer the question on their cards.  I focused on what I would say, thought about ancient Greece, how cool it would be to hang with Socrates and hear him say, “I know I don’t know anything and even that I don’t know.” Socrates was my pal because that is exactly how I felt and I couldn’t wait to give my answer.

 Keith looked at me as if he knew what I was thinking and said, “I want Bob to go last and I am going to give him another question.” My mind raced, “Why the hell am I going last?” and “Is Keith playing with me?” I felt like a tiny grey mouse sitting at a cat convention. Now those dreaded words: “Bob, what is it that hurts you?” Everyone turned and looked as I mumbled something about what an old acting teacher had told me about fear…

Soon after dinner we adjourned to the patio. I walked to the deck, which jutted out over a cliff, and gave the guests a god’s eye view of a dazzling city. I wanted to go home. As I thanked my host, Keith turned to me and said I had copped out and not told the truth.  He was right.

What was the truth? So obvious now and so obscured earlier: I felt inferior to everyone there and especially to Keith. I could not admit it and that had locked me away as sure as jail time in Sing Sing. However, in my case I was my own jail cell and jailer.  I had forgotten that I held the keys to my freedom and on those keys were inscribed “The truth shall set you free.”

 

Comments

[Jesse Quinney]

Dear Bob:
I'll remember your words in my upcoming speech and during "Table Topics" time in my next Toastmasters meeting. Thank you for sharing your story on being true to yourself and speaking off the cuff.

To Your Success,
Jesse Quinney

Hi Jesse,

I really appreciate your feedback. What is your upcoming speech about?

Bob

[Glen]

I read this story a couple of weeks ago and promptly forgot about it ... until yesterday.

Details aside, I put myself completely on the line at a luncheon yesterday with a distinguished guest. Like you, there was a moment where I paused and decided whether or not to answer honestly. The truth could negatively influence their opinion of me. The truth could jeopardize my future career opportunities at the organization. I remembered "the truth shall set you free" and said it.

To my surprise it took the conversation to a higher level of intimacy and I believe it solidified our connection.

Thanks for inspiring me.

[Kevin Campbell]

Mr. Bob, Thank you for this story, although, I have a question. Was it the truth that hurt you? if so, why? thank you.

[Amy Lenzo]

Bob,

This is such a powerful story, and I particularly appreciate hearing it now because I am getting ready to present a session at a conference where there will be many very intelligent people. I too so often imagine myself as somehow "less" than the talented and accomplished people I am blessed to be around, and your story is a great reminder that we each hold the keys to our own liberation.

Glen's comment was a beautiful illustration of something I've also found to be so - that it's in telling the truth about our experience, to the best of our abilities, that allows the conversation to open up and "get real". Telling the truth can mean allowing ourselves to be vulnerable, and paradoxically it's that very vulnerability that has the power to break down the walls that separate us - from our essential selves and each other.

The way our society is currently constructed, many people feel they have to appear to be something or someone they really aren't, just to land or keep their job, or their reputation as someone know "knows" things, or maintain their identity, whatever it is. When we see someone among us with the courage to be truly authentic in the moment it's like a breath of fresh air.

The courage to be true acts like a key to unlock not only our own inhibitions, but others' as well... So I always think of my own willingness to be honest as a service to the rest of humanity.

Thanks for this story, and to the people who've added to it here.

Amy

Dear Amy

Thanks for your wonderful comment. You got me thinking that we suffer because we view ourselves through a glass darkly. We remember something, usually painful from our past and say to ourselves, 'that is who I am' and when we think that thought-we are trapped in the past. How do we clean our own windows?

What works for me is remembering my feet and my belly. If I can feel my feet on the ground and feel the weight of my body supported by my feet this grounds me in the present situation. And if I can remember to breathe in my belly-this reminds me I am alive in the present situation. Both are quick wake me ups and every time I remember I get a little stronger. I think this can work for anyone. What do you think?

Bob

[Derek Ralston]

Very honest post... I like the analogy to "locking yourself in your own jail cell". I'm also working towards getting out of my comfort zone- it can be especially difficult when around extremely-accomplished strangers (=

Hi Derek

When I coach I am big on getting my clients out of their comfort zone. Comfort is over rated and can be a real obstacle to practicing new behavior. I sometimes ask my clients if they are willing to experience discomfort in order to grow?

You sound like you are on the right tack and thanks for your comment.

[Amy Lenzo]

Bobby - Sorry I didn't see your wonderful response to my comment until now! ...

I definitely resonate with your musings about how we can get trapped in the past if we fall asleep to who we really are, and also with your antidote to the poison of false identification.

It sounds so simple but I think it's true that at least one direct route to the present moment is the immediacy of feeling our feet on the ground and the breath in our bellies.

It's an incredible gift, this life we've been given!